Group: Member  Post Group: Working Newbie
Posts: 70
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I hate this world sometimes, and others I love it.
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Hey. This is my story. My battle with self harm, doing it & not doing it has been such a long one. It all started in 2004 I think? But I didn't really realise what I was doing tbh, it was only January 2005 did I finally get it into my head & ended up telling somebody that I trusted, it was my tutor at school. It took 4 days to tell her but when I did, I was damm glad I had. After telling her I tried to pack it in about 4/5 times and didn't get far. Then on 6th try (possibly), I did REALLY well I got to almost 2 years, I did about 21 months & 3 weeks. So in late march this year, things were tough and maybe one of the toughest times I went through and I ended up snapping and majorly cutting open all my exzcema scabs that I had at the time. It wasn't until almost 24 hours I made myself realise what I'd done.
So that was pretty rough time for me, what with snapping. I then stopped doing it yet again. I was days away from 3 weeks, when my own parents saw my legs which had cuts & exzema scabs which were trying to heal and looked a complete MESS. They had a right go and I thought we was going to have a huge row, it was at 12am aswell so I was really upset. I went to college with a headahce and really bad chest pains. I was upset all day. I funnily enough spoke to my college tutor that day and ironically he asked how things were at home and I said bad. At first I couldn't tell him what they accused me of and he was like you can tell me you know. But I couoldn't so we both left the room. I went to the net cafe at college. I ended up texted my enabler (learning assitant) Jess saying have you ever wanted to tell someone something but couldn't? She texted me back & I think I replied. I then suddenly had the courage to tell my tutor though a note and I thinke his reply was I wondered if it was something like that (or something) and I'll speak to you tomnorrow about it (the bells went for our classes). I then text my enabler again telling her what it was they were accusing me of (at that time I still hadn't told her). She then requested (lol) to see me. So about an hour later I saw her and we spoke about it. We finally had a dicussion. So yeah we finally got me counselling after that. Also I had to get medical advice on account of my chest & got sent home (although I was off home after that anyway).
So that day was pretty rough, then days later on the monday, I finally managed to see my tutor again so we could talk (I was SO nervous). He was asking me about it and one thing he asked if I'd ever done it since arriving at college. It saddened me saying yes and I hated it. But I was glad that chat was over and he knew. Because just weeks before I saw him on the monday and on the friday before that I had a bad day and went to see him the monday after about that & other stuff. He was going on about how there's good ways of coping and I remember wanting to spill my heart out about how there are bad ways of coping and I had done them. Funnily enough my arm had a plaster over it because of it (not that he could see) and I wanted to tell him but didn't. So that was partly glad when I did tell him. So I went home after the chat and was ok, but hours later I was so badly triggered & wanted to cut even though I hadn't done it for 3 weeks before that. But I ended up giving in and told Jess about it that night. God the pain the next day in college was bad but I manged. Then I think I didn't do it for a week & almost a day. But that tuesday (over a week after that day), I had a **** afternoon with my other enabler & stuff. I actually cut myself but it wasn't too bad. But the amount of PAIN I had to endure the next day was unbearable but I couldn't tell anyone why.
So then I stopped again and didn't do it for ages, it was about 1 month & 6 days which had been my best ever recovery this year other than the almost 22 months. So I was happy, this was now in June. The first friday was absloute HELL. My mind had really bad thoughts. My mind was saying I was suidical & **** but I struggled through the day and got through. The next week was tough as I had so many emotions due to my stuipd exam & PMS. Not a great combination. Tuesday wasn't the best, I fell over on the way to colege & missed the first half hour due to getting it cleaned up (then I felt sick, nearly fainted, went all hot & then was ok). The first aider was the same person who booked my counselling & sent me home 'cos my chest. She did ask twice if she wanted her to look at my knee (but that would mean I'd have to lift my cropped trousers and then my leg would be on show which looked bloody awful). But I escaped it because I checked myself when in the loos and it was ok. The next day was tearful because it was a frusrating 3 hours in the exam. Thursday was AMAZING day as I finished my exam several hours early & left the exam two hours before everyone else. I hung out in the common room for most of the day waiting to see Jess funnily enough. That friday was a bit ****, I felt low again and didn't get why I felt like that but NOTHING happened luckily & I cleberated as I'd made a month of no self harm. It was a tough friday as I went out with my best friend, and we had to meet and long story but we almost missed out on meeting lol but we did.
Then I got into the next week, monday was AMAZING as I went out for the day with some college mates to Drayton Manor. Tuesday was good, I was asked to go out but couldn't as my leg was in so much pain as I'd pulled my muscle aprantly. That wednesday (13th june) was mainly a great day, I went out to a uni open day & Jess was with me the whole time which was greaaaaaaat for me. But the day ended up bit crap at the end as I was upset about having to miss a tour. Then I felt ill. So I was texting Jess about being upset etc but never got any answer which kinda annoyed me at the time. I went to college the next day for a meeting with my tutor and it was a bloody miserbale day with the rain pouring it down. Eventually saw my tutor *yay* and was slowly getting down on account of not hearing from Jess. So I went home. I was ok for a little bit. Then I started thinking about lots of **** & wrote a LONG bulltien on myspace about my shitty life (well parts of it) so this obviously depressed me futher. Thursday came & went. Friday was the worst day of the whole month I pretty much think. I was really suidical, I was even looking on websites about it, that's how low I was. I ended up self harming, I tried to cut myself but couldn't and ended up with two little scabs on my arm which were ok to hide. I even had a bath and tried to kill myself & cut my arm but actually stopped before any real damage was done. That night I ended up texting Jess asking if everything was ok etc. But she was really busy and I emailed her that bulltien I had written and even left the bit that I wrote about her which was just questions really. Then the next morning she replied but none of it sounded like her. Saturday then came around and my mum was at work even though she shouldn't been working. But I went into town as I still hadn't got my dad his father day present & card even though it was the NEXT day. I bumped into my then friend Kim on our way home. I ended up inviting to my house & almost wish to this day that I didn't. I was moaning to an buddy on msn about how much my arm hurt (and kim read it all). She basicaly said stuff like you shouldn't self harm etc etc and I've done it and it solves nothing. Then she asked me to SHOW HER my arm and I refused. In the end, she walked out & went home and thank god she did. Literally minutes later my mum texted me to say she was finished & would meet me at my nans in 5 mins (as she was almost there), so I made my way to my nans feeling reallllllllly ****. I put a brave face on for the rest of the day pretty much. So monday rolled around (eventually). I knew it would be tough as I'd finally see Jess. So anyway I somehow got through my first two lessons ok without my other enabler there (she was supervising an exam). I felt soooo shitty. Then at break I met my friend Becks, who knew I'd been down & stuff. So we had some hugs & made our way down to the common room to see everyone. Then she walked off after five mins with other people. So I ended up going to see my tutor. I wasn't sure wether to tell him everything that had gone on (except the whole suidical thing). I ended up spilling my heart to him about EVERYTHING except the feelig low part. It was so hard telling him about the self harm bit. The conversation lasted all break and I felt better for it. I was late to my lesson as I had to go back to common room to pick my stuff up & go to my lesson. I didn't get into trouble and found out Jess couldn't make that lesson but she had pre-warned me she might not make it. And told me she'd meet me after my lesson & we would have our normal one-to-one session. That was SO tough telling her. At first I couldn't tell her about the self harm unlike I had with my tutor. My tutor found out cos he asked me what me & my friend had argued about and then he obv knew I'd hurt myself. But not with Jess. She gave me advice as much as she could and we eventually did some work which helped. Then at the end of that she said well done for working hard as I know you're not feeling too happy (or something like that which was sweet.) Then for 10 mins I tried to tell her what the last problem was and manged to tell her but not say the actual words but she got what I meant and commended me on talking about it. As many people don't and some end up killing themselves/doing so much damage (which mwant they died) as they didn't tell anyone. So I was glad I told her. Eventually I went home, still feeling ****. In that afternoon I had a real argument over myspace with Kim about the whole self harming thing. I then self harmed so bad, it was horrible. The scratches were so evil looking. God I hated hiding it. I went to college & she knew something was up again. I had my arm on show (on account of it being really warm & didn't care). She didn't say anything about it, I dunno why not. Maybe 'cos she couldn't really say anything or whatevers. We had little chat and I showed her my woprk that she set me to do the night before. I did this thing as myself but as a boook & used some phrases with the work we done. And she went I like that idea. You should never judge a book by its cover. She then went on to say like you look happy on the inside but I know you're not on the inside. That helped me so much, made me feel like she really understood me. My mum & sister went on holidays te next day. I don't remember the wednesday much. Friday was so **** again, I felt suidicial yet again and it really scared me so I admitted on this help forum thing I go on and they were so supportive of me as always and suggested in the end I should go to my doctors to see if I had depression and I agreed. Saturday came on over. That day was horrible, I just felt blah. I was on my own for most of that day and stuff. Then in the early evening my dad saw my arm & stuff. He actually slapped me & called me silly so that really upset me. But luckilly he went out that evening & didnb't come back until almost 2am & I was still up. I didn't go to bed until 4.30am on the sunday. Anyway sunday was crappy. Esp when my dad went to work in the evening, Charlie (my sisters dog) was whining & I was so sad. But he helped me cry on/off all evening. On the monday (when it came), I went to my doctors & made an appointment which was for the thursday. But I only told couple my friends & the people who suggested it. Tuesday, I remember nothing about? Wednesday wasn't great, esp as I had my first counselling session in a month and I poured it all out which was tough. I actually cancelled my appointment at the doctors. Thursday was a werid day, had higher education fair where I picked loads of stuff up (most of which I've recycled as I decided not to go to- they were unis). I remember the afternoon mainly wasted by deciding what ones to keep & rid. Then I had to rush around doing coursework, having a shower, eating my dinner & leaving. My godparents came for quick chat. But I made youth club (1st time) on time which was ok. I had an amazing two hours then. When I left, I expected to be going homne but me, my mum (who was home), my sister jenny, her boyf adam & my dad all went to pizza hut. So my 2nd pizza dinner that night lol. We got home at half 11. I had to finish my coursework off but thankfully did with 15 mins to go before 12am. Friday was good, got all mny work done, no suidical thoughts & stuff.
Things had been good for most of july even if a few wanting to self harm days but I got through them. I won't go into what happened here as my everything aches & u're probs fallinjg asleep? But things got better. I got to a month self harm free. And then the following sunday was even better as I flew past my best score of 1 month & 6 days. Well now it's almost two months.
Since writing this orginally (on RYL), I've realised that when I was with my ex Jerry, in January that he mentally/emotionally abused me. But fortnately it wasn't too bad & could have been worse. Also august has been a rough month. The rough times are still going on with me trying to kill myself :| and stuff and wanting to self harm. So it's hard for me but just got to wait two days before I have an appointment (hopefully) to see if I have depression.
Helen x
Edited by Dance!Dance!4eva : August 18, 2007, 10:42 pm
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I'm on my own/A million miles away/Temptation all around/I won't be long/So please be strong/Cos I'm holding on for you
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August 18, 2007, 10:39 pm
but I will get there some day I hope...... If you every need to talk about anything hunni you know were I am... You have my MSN you can PM me and if you really want you can ring or text me Ill PM you my number if you would like 
Hope things keep going well for you :)
